Between the Guru and me

Journal January 6, 1973

Back to previous Journal, Early. Forward to next Journal 1973-.

{Note written when starting to copy this journal from the handwritten pages to the computer on 6/9/02.

In the winter of 1972-73 when I was living in Berkeley, California, I heard from Steve and Holly Baer (Zomeworks), who had commissioned me to do a stained glass window in their Corrales, New Mexico Zome, summer 1972. They said that two people from Chogyam Trungpa's Tibetan Buddhist meditation center in Colorado had seen the window and loved it. They called him Rinpoche, meaning "precious one", a nickname given to realized Tibetan lamas. The Buddhists were interested in my putting glass in their center. I can't remember if I applied or why it didn't happen. But the possibility was on my mind.

The background is that I knew that earlier a friend of mine had gone to Rinpoche's Tail of the Tiger in Vermont, I believe. He had asked Rinpoche how to proceed in meditation. Rinpoche had said, "sit". At the retreat, the friend had a nervous breakdown or flipped out. He was quite shaken by the experience and felt damaged. I'm not sure that he ever recovered. Later in 1974 he committed suicide. I also knew that Rinpoche was a respected valuable spiritual leader who had helped many other people. So I had mixed feelings along with great respect.}

1/6/73

Night after a dull day, upon going to bed I felt I could see Rinpoche's mind, beautiful pictures. But after awhile I felt invaded in a way that shakes me to the core. I can't remember how I became aware of it, but realize that Rinpoche has power to stimulate my imagination which previously I had used to verify. It was my own personal reality screen, until now, I realize it can be manipulated at will. Knowing how to do that to others' minds wields quite a power. Supposedly, this power is only given to those who do good and yet I feel my friend was hurt by it. But my friend was only caught up in and shown vividly his own weakness. This is a merciless Buddhism. His self was dramatized or demonically actioned dynamicized.

hall of colorsHad idea for hall of colors. 6 windows would incarnate the occult progression. While within it, insight patterns of white light delineating high and low possibilities or maybe after image colors available.

The problem is to develop power of verification. To the extent that my insight is my creation, I should seek to defend and expand it at all costs to the enemy. To the extent that we are doing it together, I must collaborate. To the extent of getting more basic vision, have to let go and develop. It seems almost to get darker the farther I go.

a. There is no Rinpoche - he is completely beyond the 3 veils.

b. Rinpoche sends diffused radiations. Pineal stepped up to speed of fast strobe blinkers. This makes a fuzzy scintillating cloud of light.

c. How do this. In meditation, feed head. Tetrahedronal light muscles super developed.

Also the big fake image (the bright yellow and green), a junk sculpture of the phony visions of everyone and phantoms that is truly terrifying. Tibetan mind so wiggly, yet so highly finished. Remember a couple of days ago getting message from mountains like beacon. 2 times pineal on/off speed.

vibesRealized that could use small and large vibes in same design (like Buckminster Fuller message) for the reinforcement problem.


1/16/73

1. Blenko glass near color red and near texture. But can 2. make them small and maybe 3. reverse of wavelength. Like make UV shape red? First thought to use big shapes of red. Large is near but not in this system. Anyway if red large could see variation in texture. Maybe do both?

Had an exchange with Rinpoche, he blinding me with his white light from the mountain. Me sending or identifying with ever increasingly smaller vibes of red, making ever-increasingly larger vibes of UV (lavender).

There was a sucking in at the middle. Everything he did I had to counter to show him colored light was validly connected or a road to understanding or food for the spirit. Also focused on blue (of Tweezle Wootz panel) and got sunny afterimage. Laughed. Also thought to get male and female vibes from Karl and Toni and get them in their window.

1/17/73

What verifies must be close to what harmonizes. I have been asking more about verification because Rinpoche made me realize he could stimulate my imagination (the screen which I had been using to project information on). So that screen is public or may be used by Psychically developed persons. But there must be a me who decides whether the info is real along with its relative importance to other info where in is the harmonizing. So truth is also concurrent with its given unit (as are wholes). Truth is not relative. Truth can be determined absolutely.

But here's how it goes. The info enters consciousness, for example, as "Richard is coming this noon." But checks and balances related to harmonizing arise. "Why?" "Because it is sunny and it would be a good idea to come?" "Why do you think that, it may be just wishful thinking." Then a realizing process occurs, weighing the possibilities of that mist along horizon increasing and the other things besides seeing Richard that I need or wish to do. I don't know how much my prediction influences the future but it (the truing mind harmonizing) acts as if it were responsible that way. The info does not persist. I am not sure Richard is coming this noon. I forget about it.

If the intuition is true, I can be in doubt, I can wonder, I can hold an open mind and not grasp at the truth, but no challenges come. The mind is apparently content with the truth.

conditionerMoney making gimmick idea - contact paper or transparent be-ins for children's lib. Dressing boys in blue and girls in pink brings out the spiritual in boys and the life-giving in girls - blue opposite red - it polarizes them. Aim of child lib is to bring out full potential of each so we provide a light-conditioner to be hung in front of light or window or could staple on window shade.

1/18/73

Thursday. I was thinking about how I want to do the meditation center window wondering why I haven't heard form them. Wondering if I was too hasty or came on wrong. But I really believe. I believe in the Universal Mind. I believe when you're ready for the right thing, it's there. There is absolutely nothing I have to do but be and learn to mingle. I thought maybe I have to show myself ready to submit to any master's spiritual will and tune into the developmental currents.

I search out Rinpoche's. I found his light the opposite of the beacon. It was turned down to the lowest obscurity. Almost as if hiding. Then I noticed that the quality of this light is different from any I've seen before. How is this light different? Well-meditated or balanced out. The window should be suggesting this process, when colors are balanced with opposites in the given unit to make a harmonized whole (where every entry is understood). The window should not reflect any one trip or one person's way. It should try to sweep one into doing it oneself. I should not enable one to observe it.

spectrumLater: I had to make my light like his light. If I can't imitate it, or recreate it in myself, I can't understand it. We did a spectrum see-saw. I pulled in UV light from beyond the Quabala veils but Rinpoche made me see that the uni-directional spectrum is an illusion that in the whole or given unit the UV and IR are connected. But I knew this - or suspected it. We are just communicating, clarifying terms etc.

spectrum 2The symbol above bird's head is like this with spectrum defined as circle (of our perception)

*before this I had to make dimmer and dimmer the light until it was only a spot of light as incense. Then completely out. I was afraid but then realized nothing to fear. Somehow there's a big paradox here. By stilling inner light into death, but this path really becomes enlightened. I feel so tenderly loving. (This was before extinguishing?). His flame was fluttering as if the least bigger movement of my flame would wound him. He showed rare changing colors so delicate that they would be rent by any variation I might show. It is sort of a dance where I must follow and yet I feel perfect equanimity of freedom. I may be directing the action. no one is directing and no one following. There is only this accord and even violent counter movements. This is very sexy.

The pure bliss of nothing and everything.

I was told to make a rack to display my samples on. Then Trungpa can know what glass there is. I can place it in the west window for him to see. But the south would be better? He became aware of my sexual and relational lack of intercourse. This angered me to have him find this characteristic may be a weakness, my loneliness. So I wished shit on him. In this kind of a communion the thought is more powerful than a deed. I felt deep regret. And also knowledge of the responsibility and dirty work taken on by guru. Of course, since this is all being born in my mind, it is I who suffer this idea.

1/28/73

When I tried to see the aura of the magnet magnet I saw a fluffy light cloudy shape cloudy, then several cigars within ring tubes (after I had asked to see a small unit within magnet). Later I saw cross section of donut donut. Rings made of rainbow colors - moving. Also I saw our galaxy? galaxy From point of view of center and later opposite?

Also thought about contacting Rinpoche. Anything attractive is seen sometimes as velvety black with ultraviolet cracks of lightning. Like the more they non-exist and more existence is drawn to it I felt like gathering love and giving love. But his surface shiny as fired ceramic. Nothing I could give would he be the least interested in. Only your own fruits of labor are worth anything. He doesn't need me in any way anyone I have known needs me. I'm puzzled about why I should gather for myself. To learn how to gather when you need it.

Best to meditate. This is the purest love I have known. We smile at each other. And then I realize that this too is maybe a robot set up by him. No its not. But he could do it if he wanted if enough came lavishing him with fruits he doesn't need. Psychic fruits are the easiest of all to obtain. They require absolutely no effort. They are the most natural thing of all. But its hard to clear away the illusions false practices etc. of the others and your own creations. You are a breather and light maker and lover. Its as simple as the fact of your existence.

about you

1/29/73

Morning. electro-magnetic spectrum presented wrongly in science books. Wavelengths gives one dimension or maybe is 3 dimensional but it doesn't include the dimension of more or less of any particular individual set. Rinpoche and magnet appear as darks. Rinpoche -- when I try to conceive it, it goes away. Any words I say are false.

I guess it could be described by the lightness or darkness of any particular hues but this is to be distinguished from the packing ... yes. Strong and weak

but I don't have any way to indicate absorption or radiation, but I guess it could be by gray scale. White is radiant; black is absorptive or is the sensation of rareness from Rinpoche simply the fact that I have spaced myself way out with the concept of seeking him, so I myself am minimized and attributing it to his absorption.

Could do a series of spectrums. I.E. in earths spectrums, sun is the radiant type of stuff so yellow appears light. However, it is possible that other suns of different composition or different wavelengths would make a light of violet and other colors darker.

Large gray gold clouds are Buckminster Fuller's message/mind. blue violet. Blue Green Rinpoche.

Note Feb. 8, '73 Have often feeling of tussling or wrestling with Rinpoche. Aptness of Alexandra David-Neel's characterization of Tibetans as "spiritual sportsmen".

window design

2/12/73

I'm not getting any more insight into Rinpoche. Shall I start writing our memoirs? How write it. As her story with diary items. As personal description? As a narrative? As a ghost story? True Confessions? Dr. help me?

Thinking about the last three stained glass incarnations that I saw at Fairyland; why had they failed? It would be great to see stained glass panel in front of the sheet of waterfall in the Owl and Pussycat tableau. See through moving colored water.

I liked Bong tree with transparent colored leaves...

The church panels excited me at first. The designs seem really strong and well done. Children not like it or stay long. I not like yellow light, after consideration of what is weakness. I like magenta glass in 1st panel. But somehow yellow and violet light juxtaposed in that way tears you apart. The yellow dominates all, blasts out all the other colors and impels you back to the balance of white light out of doors. I vow not to put any more yellow in the front part of my dome. I think it will be OK in the low east above creation but hope it will be confined there. However yellow may be obnoxious only when surrounded by dark opaque walls and darker other colors. Maybe pale or tints and clears around will make it dance instead of pierce and wash-out.

It seems stained glass art is in such a primitive state. It seems almost no one is concerned with the actual real effect of the environment on the entrant to the environment. This reviewer isn't really concerned with the conventions and world of the stained glass artist and if he did it would be an effete perversion. He's naturally concerned with his own biological evolution. St. G. should help him build his own concept of the verifying-harmonizing aspects of mind. It should exorcize his mind to aid in individual development. Symbols have no place here as they are only illusions. This reminds me of two big harangues.

One about movement and space in stained glass (how Judy and Dan both waste time there).

One to Rinpoche. I realized telepathy worked with me only when I was deeply emotionally moved with great feeling of necessity about the matter. Telepathy not work in mere curious dabbling. I realized my anger at symbols might be a way to Rinpoche. I should articulate or just feel it out. Also remember with Baer, how sure I was of the right way. Not to succumb to his ideas of decoration but to connect where my thought best related to his.

2/13/73

Morning. Last night, after going to bed. I felt consciousness all watery flowing images. Partly from being very tired. Can't remember the vision but remember the 2 images of Rinpoche, blinding light and the black hole. The black hole seems fixed in mind like very irritating. I can't remember nature of fight but it seems I can't rid myself of this black stimulant of my consciousness. I think I'm fighting for my own control of self. Sanity. But admitted he stronger.

Later I saw a very beautiful vision unlike anything I've ever seen before. Kind of rings or bands of colors. Some rainbow and others unremembered. I saw it. Then said to self "I'm seeing an aura." But I didn't know whose aura it was. It was always changing fast but ... I remember only a fleeting glimpse of the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. The colors were separated by gray or void maybe dark nothing. Then it gradually changed to golden below and violet above in stained glass patterns.

Now I remember Rinpoche sent various stained glass ideas, reminiscent of other people's work. As though he's trying to work out a design but doesn't know how stained glass can say what he wants. How can I gain his confidence? I was fighting for him to see the great possibilities of stained glass and vision.

{June 9, 2002, I don't remember exactly when I decided to do the panel, "Between the Guru and Me", in Wholeo, the stained glass dome. But it follows the sketch of January 29.}

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